Why I Can't Kiss You
by notherhappyending
Summary: Though Emma clearly cares for Regina, she will never return her feelings. Regina resolves herself to be there for Emma as a devoted friend, but finds herself struggling to keep her heart quiet as she chooses to watch the subject of her affection love another. Turning to distractions, taken orally, from alcohol and the lips of others, she fights to be okay without Emma's love.
1. The Lines in the Mirror

Regina stands in front of the mirror as she works to perfect the deep blood red of her lips. In the world without magic, she finds herself growing more concerned with what the looking glass shows. Once again, she finds herself slipping back into the habit of confiding in the mirror. It is not the same as it once was, as it is only her own face in the reflection, but it is comforting to speak out loud.

"Get yourself together."

This is almost a whisper, fiercely fueled by the frustration of wanting what she cannot have. Tonight, she is going to see the one woman who knocks everything off-kilter. This is why her make up must be the image of perfection. She moves the black kohl eyeliner across her lid in a calculated movement. As she reaches the winged point where the blackness juts further than the white of her eye, her phone vibrates.

The sudden interruption illuminates the part of Regina that is tuned into thoughts of a certain blonde. Her wrist shakes in reaction to this and the black line along her eye becomes choppy and thicker than she intended. As she realizes that the message is from Belle, coordinating the night's festivities, she slams her hand down to the bathroom counter.

"Of course." She laughs darkly to herself. "Of course it's Belle. Why the hell would Emma bother messaging me?"

In a moment of desolation, she throws the eyeliner at the mirror. It leaves a black smudge running vertical down her reflected face. Drinking in the sight, she realizes that her botched kohl lines are reminiscent of the pirate that Emma loves so deeply. Rage bubbles in her stomach and she feels sickened at how much this affects her. She built a kingdom with only her two hands and fury, a comfortable emotive state that was productive and left her less vulnerable. Love is for the weak.

"I'm weak."

She mumbles this, before resigning herself to clean the mark stretching across the mirror's surface. It is a strange thought and saying it out loud feels foreign. Glancing at her reflection again, Regina considers the thick kohl line before liberally applying the same treatment to the other eye. Would Emma like her better like this? Hook wears this look and she loves him.

"What am I doing?"

Her eyes shine with the moisture suggesting the onslaught of tears and she blinks quickly before looking up to the roof. Willing away the weakness of crying, she clenches her teeth together. While she has cast curses and hexes on many throughout her reign, this love is the cruelest thing she can imagine. It twists in her stomach and lurks in her mind. Regina would not wish this on anyone, except maybe Snow.

Realizing the futility of the entire thing, she removes the eyeliner. Then, she lingers with her face in her hands. Why would she even consider mimicking the pirate? Emma will not return her feelings regardless of what she wears on her face. The notion that she might is something Regina is embarrassed to admit that she considered. This is not her.

"Get it together, Regina."

She sets to work spinning her image to perfection. Reeling from the ridiculousness of her desire to emulate Hook's style, she opts for a very fine outline of her eyes before flicking her eyelashes with the mascara brush.

When she is finished, she looks like the strong and confident woman who runs the town. The only visible evidence of her ailment is buried deep within her eyes. She has never noticed this sadness before, but it is undeniable.

Glancing down at her phone, she reads the latest message from Belle. The first thing that catches her eye is Emma's name. The two women are already at the small bar on the edge of town. It is a dive bar that features karaoke on Saturday nights. With Henry safe with his grandparents, she is free to join the others in carefree drinking. While she knows that getting too drunk around Emma is a bad idea, lest she implode into a series of poorly connected words confessing things that should never be said, it is hard to be around the woman without needing a large glass of red wine. Alcohol is often called liquid courage, but Regina just prays for solace from the crushing weight of her unrequited feelings.

Taking one last long look in the mirror, she plays self-consciously with her hair. She needs to look sexy enough to hide her true thoughts and also on the chance that Emma notices. She wants to be ready if the day ever comes. What if Emma were to get a little too drunk and kiss her, as she has done on occasions in the past? She longs to revisit those times before her heart yearned for something more. Back when the kisses were innocent drunken exchanges between friends it had been so simple.

If Emma were to kiss her tonight, Regina would have to stop her. She knows that Emma Swan is in love with the pirate and that any affection toward her would mean nothing to her. It is unfair to both of them. Regina imagines having to walk away from the blonde woman's lips and frowns as she realizes how badly she would want to stay. That is the reason that she cannot though.

She loves Emma too much to wantonly kiss her amidst a drunken karaoke outing. She loves Emma too much to put her in that situation. She loves Emma too much to even consider broaching the subject of her affections.

She loves Emma too much.


	2. Those Hardest to Love

"_Take me back to your apartment so I'll see if I'm correct_

_About where you keep your heart, love, cause I'm starting to suspect_

_That it's chained up in your basement inside an oaken chest_

_That's padlocked up to heaven to keep out what comes next."_

As Regina opens the large wooden doors to the bar, she hears the opening verse of a karaoke rendition of a Jenny Owens Youngs song wafting outward from the stage. The voice is a familiar feminine yet husky combination that the brunette cannot help but recognize. Leaning against the doorway, she works to steady herself and drink in the performance. Belle can wait a few more minutes, this is more important.

The words strike a cord in Regina's heart. Emma is singing about hearts in boxes. Could this be about her? A swell of hope hits her before she can apply logical thought to the situation. Without warning, she is embarking on a treacherous slope. Suddenly, she is thankful for the whiskey she drank prior to entering the bar.

"_I'm so into you now that I can't see out_

_Show me how to give you what you'll never doubt_

_All I want is to be what you cannot live without."_

I want that too, she thinks. Regina closes her eyes and allows Emma's voice to serenade her. The train of thought is a damning one, but it is so seductive. She cannot help but imagine that Emma's song choice was not a coincidence. Opening her eyes, she watches longingly. It is almost too easy to pretend that Emma is singing to her. Regina lets out a sigh, taken by the overwhelming surge of emotions that clouds her vision. The whiskey sings within her and she feels the urge to do the unthinkable. Maybe tonight will be the night that she tells Emma.

"_Oh I want to be the girl who makes you try_

_To do the thing you haven't done oh why_

_Is it so hard to stay in love_

_I just want to be good enough_

_For you."_

"You are good enough." Regina whispers under her breath. "And you don't even know."

She watches Emma belt out the final verses, rooted to the spot. As the song comes to an end, the bar erupts into applause. The savior has this effect on the residents of Storybrooke. She cannot go anywhere without shining bright. Regina loves this about her. Years of darkness are washed away when she is in Emma's proximity.

Collecting herself and regaining her composure, Regina moves away from the doorway to join her companions. She follows Emma's long blonde hair falling against her trademark red leather jacket. It is a matter of will to convince herself not to focus on the way her blue jeans hug her curves.

Then, Regina sees the pirate standing up and waving Emma over with his obnoxiously cheeky smile. Her heart shatters in her chest and she wishes that someone would come and just tear it from her breast. They are kissing now and Regina takes a step back. One of the dwarves is singing Mr. Brightside by The Killers and it feels all too relevant. She has to stop herself from throttling the midget's neck. How dare he choose a song that rubs salt in her wounds. She grits her teeth together, trying not to pay attention to Emma and Hooks faces pressed together. She was not singing to Regina, she never was.

"Regina!" Belle calls out to her, waving madly. She has clearly already imbibed a few gin and tonics. The girl cannot hold her liquor well. "Regina! Over here."

"Coming." The former queen responds before sidling up to the bar to acquire the requisite liquor to ensure that she makes it through the night.

"The usual?"

"Always."

Ruby is tending the bar tonight, picking up one of her few weekly night shifts to help make ends meet. Last time Regina spoke with the wolf girl, she was in the process of applying to post-secondary institutions. It is all she can do to bite her tongue to refrain from making a comment about how the lithe young woman could make more money stripping. This kind of suggestion is more evil queen and less reformed bad girl. Instead, she keeps her commentary to herself and drops a five dollar bill on the bar in exchange for her glass of red wine.

Taking a deep breath and a deeper drink of wine, she practices her smile before turning back to her friends. She reminds herself that she is strong and confident. She can do this. The pirate will not get under her skin.

"Regina, how are you?" Belle practically sings this, the gin making itself comfortable in her voice.

"Better now." Regina raises her wine glass slightly. "Where's the Dark One?"

"Rumple is working on the store's inventory." Belle answers forcefully, taking care to correct his name. Regina senses that things are rocky with them but does not care enough to push for details.

"Regina!" She turns instinctively to face Emma.

"Swan." She nods carefully.

"It's great to see you."

Emma has detangled herself from Hook and moves to meet Regina in a hug. This takes her by surprise as the two have never been the type to exchange physical affection. She chalks it up to the alcohol and tries to will her heart to beat slower. The proximity to the saviour is overwhelming and the scent of her perfume is intoxicating. Musk and spice. Emma's warm body. The dim lights illuminating her golden tresses. Regina wants to cast a spell and freeze this moment. But, within seconds, it is gone.

"Are you going to be singing something?"

"Maybe." Regina shrugs and looks over at the pirate. "I'm definitely not here just for the company."

"Regina." Emma's voice has an edge to it. This tone conveys a warning.

"Yeah, yeah. I know."

The two women are interrupted by someone calling Regina's name and it is clear that someone has nominated her to sing a song. She gulps down the remainder of the bitter wine and offers Emma a half smile.

"Duty calls." The blonde urges her on.

"Not one I wanted."

"Tough."

Regina walks toward the stage and whispers a name to the DJ before taking her position in the limelight. She feels a pleasant buzz that serves to cauterize the fear of singing. She is not too worried what the people in this rundown establishment think of her. Only one person matters.

The opening notes of her song begin and she pushes her worries away. She chose Fools by Lauren Aquilina. It is an anthem that feel perfect right now.

"_Those hardest to love need it most_

_I watched our bodies turn to ghosts_

_Such good friends, it has to end it always does_

_That's the way life is_

_Do we take that risk?"_

She falls into the rhythm, losing herself in it. Through the song, she addresses Emma. All the words that she cannot even confess flow easily through song. This is for you, she thinks, as she makes eye contact with the blonde.

"_Friends, I watched us as we changed_

_The feelings in my headspace rearranged_

_I want you more than I've wanted anyone_

_Isn't that dangerous?"_

Regina chokes on the word "dangerous", overcome by how real the words are to her. She brings the song to a close and the bar begins to clap. She quickly slips off the stage to acquire another drink.

"That was beautiful, Regina." Emma has caught her. "I didn't know you were capable of that. I pegged you more for a P!nk or Lily Allen type."

"I don't have to always be angry, you know." Regina grows defensive quickly.

"I think you were inspired though."

"… Oh?" Regina hesitates, feeling red creep into her face. Does Emma know?

"Yes. It's about Robin, isn't it?"

"Oh." Regina stops.

"You can tell me, Regina."

"Yeah, I know." She knows that she has no other choice. "It is. Don't tell anyone."

"I promise…"

Emma trails off. Her super power is flagging something as off about Regina's response. The brunette turns and walks toward the bar before any more questions can be asked. That interaction was too close for comfort.

"Regina?"

She turns around to see Robin standing behind her. He has his characteristic warm, albeit cocky, smile.

"Robin."

"How's my favourite queen?"

"Not drunk enough to dally with thieves." She teases, following easily into the rapport that they have.

"Let's fix that."

Robin leads Regina by the waist to the bar. She allows this, grateful for the distraction from Emma. Better to let everyone see her with him than gossiping about the reality of her affections.

Being with Robin is easy, she laments. Ever since Marion left him, he has been there whenever Regina needs the warmth of another human being. She knows that she should not play with his heart like this, but he is comfortable. Habits are hard to break. Playing with hearts distracts her from her own. She rationalizes that it is better to meddle in the emotions of others rather than stealing their physical heart from their chest.

"I liked your song."

"Thanks."

She allows him to raise his lips to hers. Turning off, Regina sets herself to auto-pilot. Move her hands over his back. Meet his tongue with her own. This should make her happy. She should love Robin.

They have good chemistry and he's attractive. More than that, he's interested in her. As they kiss, she tries to will herself to be into it.

Emma is going to be the death of her.


	3. When Do You Stop Loving Her?

"Emma?" The pirate has taken the microphone now. "Swan, join me up here."

Regina instinctively separates herself from Robin, eyes glued to the stage. Something within her is on fire, she knows that whatever comes next will hurt. Yet, she cannot look away. Her breath catches as she watches. The rest of the bar melts away and Regina makes pleading eye contact with Emma. The blonde sees her and returns a smile of pure joy. What comes next is what Emma wants and that is a blow to Regina's pride.

Hook drops down on one knee and the rest is a blur. Ordinarily, she would find this gentlemanly gesture comical from the pirate, but today she cannot separate herself from the event. Regina knows that she should leave before she loses her cool, but she is rooted to the spot. It is like watching Cora crush Daniel's heart all over again. Her fists are balled at her side as she watches the woman she loves shout in affirmation and meet him in a kiss. It is over. She has lost. This must be Emma's happy ending.

After the two pull apart, she watches as the blonde glances wildly around the bar looking for her friends. She shouts out to Regina, beckoning her over. Suddenly, the brunette is in control of her body again and whirls around to exit the establishment. She cannot deal with Emma's happiness right now.

She falls down on the pavement outside of the bar. She feels as though she cannot breathe, though she tries to pull in the fresh night air. Tears betray her resolve and flow freely down her face. She has fallen. She is no-one's queen anymore, not even her own.

"Regina?"

The sound of someone calling her name reminds her of how pathetic she must seem. Before looking to see who it is, she hugs her knees to her face and wishes them away.

"Regina?" The woman tries again. "Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay?" Regina spits. "Leave me alone."

"It's Emma, isn't it?"

She looks up suddenly as she hears the magic word. At this point, she recognizes the characteristic soft butch appearance of Mulan. Though she wants to be left alone, she concedes that the warrior actually seems to be showing concern. It is strange for Regina to show weakness and she hates it.

"What do you know about that?"

"More than you'd know." Mulan sinks down to the pavement to sit beside Regina, putting one arm around her. Regina cannot decide if this show of comfort is something she likes or not. "You know that I loved Aurora, right?"

"No." Regina takes a second to look at her companion. Reading her face, she sees the characteristic sadness of unrequited love.

"I did. I loved her more than anything."

"Does she know?" Regina hates the curiousity that wells up within her.

"No." Mulan shakes her head sadly. "I tried to tell her once, but it wasn't the right time."

"When does it stop?"

"When does what stop?"

"Loving her."

"I don't think it ever does."


	4. Take My Heart

Regina is still sitting on the curb in a drunken stupor when Emma leaves the bar for a cigarette. She is unaware of the blonde's presence until she slips down to perch beside her. Leaning over, she rests her head on the former queen's shoulder.

Silently, Emma brings her silver lighter to touch fire to the skinny white object that dangles from her mouth. Regina briefly thinks about how easily it would be for her to use magic and bring flame to the vice without bothering with the pesky third-party requirement for a lighter. Emma explained this to her once when they were at a party. Apparently lighters were less about function and more about social potential. You cannot go up and ask for someone's number and guarantee a genuine reply, but asking for a light will always be met by a simple yes and no while providing the opportunity to introduce oneself. Regina sighs at this, reminding herself that it does not matter now. Emma's stories are for Hook, not for her.

"Regina, is everything okay?" Responding the audible sigh, the blonde gently pries at Regina's closed off emotions. Her voice is irritatingly tender. It is too gentle for the drunk woman to handle. How dare Emma say yes to the pirate and then come here and interrupt her sorrow by showing concern.

"Of course." She replies shortly. "Why wouldn't it be, Swan?"

"I… I really don't know. But I want to know."

"You should be with your fiancé." The word is a strike against Regina's heart. It physically hurts to speak.

"I have the rest of my life to be with him." Emma smiles wistfully, taken aback for a second by the thought of this. "I want to be with you right now."

"No." Regina stands up quickly, whirling angrily to make eye contact with Emma. "No, you don't. Don't lie to me. I don't have your stupid power, but I sure as hell can tell that you are lying here."

"Regina-"

"No, Emma." Tears are forming at the corners of her brown eyes as she maintains eye contact with her companion. "You don't understand."

"What don't I understand."

"Everything." Regina turns away from her, trying to avoid making eye contact.

Emma drops her cigarette to the ground and uses the sole of her shoe to grind the orange glow into dying sparks that sputter into nothing. She watches this for a second before walking over the brunette woman. She reaches around in an embrace and pulls Regina in.

"You can tell me what's wrong." Emma tries gently. "I'm here for you. Is it Robin?"

"No, Emma." Regina pulls away suddenly. "You need to stop."

"Stop what?"

"This." Regina drunkenly spits this, visceral rage punctuating her words. "You can't do this. You need to stop."

"Regina, you're drunk and angry." Emma frowns. "I need you to tell me what's wrong so I can help."

"You." Regina crosses her arms. "You're what's wrong."

"That makes no sense. What did I do?"

"Everything." Regina cries again harshly.

The two women stand in silence for several seconds, letting the emotions fall down around them. Regina is not sure if it is the overwhelming feelings that Emma stirs within her or the alcohol that informs her next action. She takes a step back from the blonde and then puts her hand up to her own chest.

"Regina, what are you doing?" Emma recognizes this motion and reacts with concern.

"What needs to be done." Regina mutters darkly before reaching into her chest and pulling out her own heart. It is a lot less dark in appearance than she recalls it being, wine red turned candy apple. Either way, the organ disgusts her.

"Regina, what are you doing?" Emma repeats in a voice that pleads for her friend to put her heart back.

"Something I should have done a long time ago." The words come easier now that her heart is dislodged from her insides. "Take it, it's yours. I don't want it anymore."

"What do you mean by that?" Emma's voice is equal parts panic and concern.

"You really can't take a hint, can you?" Regina forces her heart into Emma's hands.

"Wait. Do you…?" Her eyes are wide as she tries to process what is unfolding.

"Emma, I love you."

"Regina-"

"No, let me finish. I love you and it needs to stop. You need to stop. Stop hugging me and looking at me in the way that you do. Stop caring for me. Stop giving me false hope. Don't kiss me when you've had a few too many drinks. You need to stop."

"Regina, I do care about you. You know that right?"

"Save it." She crosses her arms across her empty chest. "I don't want any consolation prize or reminder that we're friends."

"Can I give you your heart back, Regina?" Emma pleads.

"No. Just crush it. Just end this. Break my heart, again."


End file.
